A Boy Named “Banjo”
Posted by Dirty Harry on Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
There’s something narcissistic about these baby names. Can’t quite put my finger on the “why,” but there’s an all-about-me quality to it:
Emma Thompson’s daughter, Gaia, which means mother earth, or the eternal feminine power. Or something like that.
Arthur Ashe’s daughter, Camera. Could have been worse. Could have been Kodak.
Penn Jillette’s daughter, Moxie CrimeFighter. The mind boggles.
Erykah Badu’s daughter, Puma (for the shoes?), and son, Seven Sirius, which is gonna get this poor kid some Sirius “Harry Potter” jokes for the rest of his life.
Ving Rhames’ son, Freedom, and daughter, Reignbeau, who, throughout her entire life, will have to spell her embarrassing name to someone. Every. Single. Day.
Just cut to the chase and name the kid Rehab.
Filed in Those Wacky Celebrities, General |
Christian Totoon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:16 pm 1These poor kids. My first name is Christian and every single substitute teacher called me “Christine” in elementary and high school when taking attendance. I guess they couldn’t get past ’substitute’ status because they had poor reading skills.
Moxie? Puma? They don’t stand a chance .
Carlitoson 09 Jul 2008 at 8:16 pm 2Hey, look at me! Look at me! That’s what giving their kids those names says to me. And that’s why these people went into showbiz in the first place. They thrive off being the center of everybody’s attention. Narcissists par excellence. Thus the stupid names.
ArchiCrashon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:17 pm 3Its not just celebreties who are stupid. I went to high school with a kid named Kevin. …She was a girl.
Plissken79on 09 Jul 2008 at 8:18 pm 4Just as many European statesmen in Vienna in 1815 predicted Russia would one day experience a rebellion of the unshaved against the shaved, one day we will see a great and bloody rebellion of the sons and daughters of celebrities who gave them such stupid names and condemned them to a lifetime of misery
David Marcoeon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:18 pm 5I know a girl named Kyle and knew a boy named Ashley.
Troyon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:22 pm 6I’m surprised they haven’t picked that great Jewish name… Dipschitz… or the French name Faux Rest or Sigh Russ and Ving Rhames is an idiot.. It’s Reignbeaux with an “X”.
And Erika Badu is going to feel like an idiot when XM Radio takes over — no one will get the Sirius reference…. (I know…)
Troyon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:24 pm 7and all these celebrities will find themselves one day living in Obama Barracks drooling on themselves as public union healthcare workers ignore them.
JimmyCon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:26 pm 8I actually have a theory to explain this: I think movie stars actually give their kids normal names, but then they give the press a weird name, to protect their kids’ privacy.
For example, let’s say Penn Jillette really named his daughter Jennifer, or something normal. Then, if he told the reporters her real name, there’s a risk they might be able to find her and take pictures of her on her way to school or something. But if he gives them a fake name, it throws them off the scent.
Anyway, it’s just a theory. Either that, or these people really are as whacked out as it seems.
Troyon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:35 pm 9perhaps… you must be feeling generous!
jicon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:37 pm 10I hope he at least had the decency to give her a normal middle name, so she has the option of calling herself ‘R. Susan Rhames’ or whatever…
jicon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:42 pm 11Ashley is a unisex name. In fact, Ash from the Evil Dead movies is an Ashley. In England, it’s almost always a boy’s name.
David Marcoeon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:44 pm 12Ashley is a unisex name.
Nonetheless, it is almost always used as a girl’s name in the States.
jicon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:46 pm 13I know, but it’s still unisex.
astorianon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:47 pm 14Sometimes, the kids grow up just fine, and are a lot saner than their parents.
Papa John Phillips named one of his sons Tamberlane the Great Phillips. As soon as the kid was old enough, he looked in an almanac, found that Michael was the most common name for boys, and changed his name to Michael.
Similarly, David Carradine and Barbara Hershey had a son they named Free Seagull Carradine. As soon as he hit 12 or so, he changed his name to Tom.
Katieon 09 Jul 2008 at 8:55 pm 15Hilarious. It seems like they are just trying to outdo eachother. I heard that mcconaghy’s brother named his son, Miller Lyte, after his favorite beer.
amzarakon 09 Jul 2008 at 9:04 pm 16I like JimmyC’s theory. Let’s hope so for the sake of these children who have no choice but to have these people as parents. However, this is filtering down to the commonfolk. I know of two sets of parents that named their baby girls, Destiny. Why? At least they won’t have to change it when they become strippers. I wonder if it will ever get to the point when names like Bill, John, Mary, and Susan will someday sound strange.
David Marcoeon 09 Jul 2008 at 9:19 pm 17That may happen. Many, if not most, of common/mundane names have their roots in the Bible. It was not uncommon, even relatively recently, for people to consciously choose those names for certain qualities they possessed (a name might have represented strength, honor, beauty, etc.), based upon that connection, even if it was not an explicitly religious reason for the choosing. In a post-Christian society, one wonders those associations will fade.
Also, these quasi-names have no history or embedded meaning with in our culture, so they don’t have the significance and weight of tradition to give them the power of a real name. Of course, it also doesn’t help that they lack the aesthetic and ease of pronunciation that a natural name possesses, which only further serves to illustrate how unnatural they are.
hailstateon 09 Jul 2008 at 9:48 pm 18“Seven!!!!” - George Costanza
maatkareon 09 Jul 2008 at 9:49 pm 19I don’t see these names as any more narcissistic/pretentious than people who put “the III” or “the IV” after their kids’ names. Of course, Zowie Bowie (son of David) renamed himself Duncan Jones pretty quickly…but Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa seem quite functional. As for Moxie…I actually think it’s kind of cute. And having your dad be Penn Teller has to be pretty cool. As for Badu…well…eccentric doesn’t begin to describe her, but at least a puma is a mighty predator, and Sirius is a star. (and if all the girls named Dorothy can take the teasing, so can he) I think there’s far worse fates in the world than to grow up rich with a funny name. At least the issue isn’t whether or not they love their kids. Of course there’s always Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid Apple…
EPorvaznikon 09 Jul 2008 at 10:40 pm 20Great call, hailstate! Rewatched that episode recently.
In comparison to the above names, Nicole Kidman going with “Sunday” for her newborn just seems a tad normal. Saddle ‘em with the last name “Porvaznik” and maybe then I’ll start to feel some sympathy.
Stickwick Staperson 09 Jul 2008 at 10:54 pm 21This phenomenon has to be partially attributable to arrested development. My five year-old cousin named her cat ‘Pink and Purple Ballerina Superstar.’ Some of these celeb names aren’t any better.
And I’m kind of surprised that Mr. Bullsh!t himself named his kid something so unbelievably stupid.
maatkareon 09 Jul 2008 at 11:02 pm 22Re: unusual spellings–my name is “Simone,” not terribly exotic, and my name is still routinely misspelled. (personal fave from Starbucks: Samoan) If I had a dollar for every misspelling, I’d float Harry’s operating costs. One adjusts. And might I comment on the irony of the observations of celebrity narcissism here by pointing out that…we’re all talking about them and their kid’s funny names. Mission accomplished, no?
Bobon 09 Jul 2008 at 11:05 pm 23Funny names are a promise the wealthy make to their offspring: “We promise to ensure that you will forever be too rich to care that people make fun of your name.”
My son’s name will be Winner - that’s a lifetime’s worth of pushy “little league dad” complex-instilling bad-parenting taken care of with the stroke of a pen on a birth certificate. EFFICIENCY!
Ed Driscoll.comon 09 Jul 2008 at 11:12 pm 24Because Dweezil And Moon Unit Were Already Taken…
“Just cut to the chase and name the kid Rehab.”……
Jack Marinoon 09 Jul 2008 at 11:54 pm 25My daddy left home when I was three
And he didn’t leave much to ma and me
Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze.
Now, I don’t blame him cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me “Sue.”
Kiton 10 Jul 2008 at 1:57 am 26Moxie Crimefighter?
I think JimmyC’s explaination is the most likely, or those celebrities really are insane.
Interestingly, J-Lo’s kids have the most normal names. (Max and Emme)
Bloody Samon 10 Jul 2008 at 5:01 am 27I’m waiting for some of these bubblehead celebs to come right out and hit the nail on the head by saddling their offspring with names like Hip Trendy…Ego Stroke…Thoughtless Moniker…Narcissus Shallow…or how about Brain Stem, in tribute to the celebrity parent’s intellectual capacity?
Opuson 10 Jul 2008 at 6:01 am 28I went to school with a guy whose parents were huge Leave It To Beaver fans so his middle name ended up being ‘Beaver’…lol. This guy was born in the early 60’s, so stupid names are hardly new.
How about George Foreman naming all his sons George?
Full Metal Deer Platoonon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:32 am 29Did anyone see “Idiocracy”? When Maya Rudolph’s character awakens 500 years in a very dumbed-down future, she looks to see if her pimp, “Upgraydde” (that’s 2 ds for a double-dose of pimpin’) has made it into the future as well. The search reveals over 8,000 “Upgrayddes.” There’s also a character named “Tylenol Jones.”
Lauraon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:40 am 30The last year that I taught high school, I was pregnant with my son. I took name suggestions and advice from my sophomores. Their number one piece of advice: don’t name boys with girl names or girls with boy names. They thought that was even worse than having a highly unusual name, but they didn’t know anyone named Reighnbo or Moxie.
Stephanieon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:41 am 31Well that is easy, Ashley Wilkes. My friend named her daughter Reagan but they didn’t know if they would have a girl or a boy…the name works eitehr way. And its cool.
I don’t get named a kid Moxi Crimefighter. Thats just stupid. Its worse than a boy named Sue. WTF? What about naming a kid Apple? HUH? Its all too freaking wrong….
JohnLockeon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:47 am 32“And I’m kind of surprised that Mr. Bullsh!t himself named his kid something so unbelievably stupid.”
That’s exactly what I thought. Penn always struck me as the kind of person who laughed uncontrollably at parents who name their kids things like Apple. Wow. Apparently, he’s also got a kid named Zolten.
Y’know, if he really wanted to be different, he could’ve just named her The Best a Man Can Get. That works on multiple levels.
Full Metal Deer Platoonon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:47 am 33I was at a BBQ over the weekend with some friends - all of whom are expecting (I must have missed out on one hell of a party 9 months ago!) & we were talking about dumb baby names. Some of the above were brought up, but one couple at the party has a friend who named her son “Zoltan.” You read that right - the mom wanted a name that awful for her son. The kid will either be beat up every day for the rest of his life, or turn into a supervillain. Or both.
Carolynon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:50 am 34Carlitos: “Hey, look at me! Look at me! That’s what giving their kids those names says to me. And that’s why these people went into showbiz in the first place. They thrive off being the center of everybody’s attention. Narcissists par excellence. Thus the stupid names.”
Calitos - ya nailed it!
alexdroogon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:52 am 35“Puma (for the shoes?)”
Or, you know, the mountain lion.
Not that it makes it a better name, but you’d think a writer for the L.A. Times might be a tad more knowledgeable. Then again…
And why is Levi thrown in with all of these other off the wall names? The writer makes a joke about them naming the baby after McConaughey his favorite pair of jeans and is seemingly oblivious as to where the jeans got their names.
alexdroogon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:54 am 36“McConaughey his”
D’oh…
blackhawk12151on 10 Jul 2008 at 7:01 am 37http://www.cracked.com/article_15765_20-most-bizarre-celebrity-baby-names.html
Its all about the parent’s ego…
alexdroogon 10 Jul 2008 at 7:11 am 38http://www.newbabynews.net/hospitals/stf33/public/stf33birthannouncement.pl?babyID=h33-440
It’s hit or miss whether that page works, but it’s the most asinine name ever.
And I spent way too much time trying to find that again…
Mike Kriskeyon 10 Jul 2008 at 7:13 am 39“This phenomenon has to be partially attributable to arrested development.”
Well, there was Maeby and Gob, but I don’t think enough people watched the show for it to be responsible for the trend.
G.iraon 10 Jul 2008 at 7:28 am 40What a bunch of jerks.
“Just cut to the chase and name the kid Rehab.”
That’s ugly.
Would the selfless thing be to name their kids John? Or perhaps John II?
I used to enjoy Libertas because it was devoid of this crap. It didn’t feel like a site for the type of stereotypical closed-minded conservatives that give us all a bad name. This post and the comments stink of that. Harry was a lot better when he wasn’t preaching to the choir.
I’m not hanging around for this.
Rochelleon 10 Jul 2008 at 7:30 am 41What no one mentions the MOST rediculas name…..
Gwennie Paltrow daughter….Apple.
That being said…..
I went to school with a family of last name of “Hood.”
You guest it, they named thier first born son, Robin.
Then again,
You have the football player… Marion Butts.
He had to grow up and be a big football player so he could defend himself!
Rochelleon 10 Jul 2008 at 7:32 am 42G.ira:
Can you say “humour”?
I didnt think so…..
Stephanieon 10 Jul 2008 at 7:32 am 43Well John Wayne was named Marion Morrison….he of course changed his name. Part of Wayne’s appeal was his name…..
I remember Marion Butts heh…but wouldn’t want him to hit me though URG!
Full Metal Deer Platoonon 10 Jul 2008 at 7:49 am 44Best worst football name of all time: Plaxico Buress. Runner up: Flozell Adams.
Moon 10 Jul 2008 at 7:49 am 45Some people don’t need to be procreating. Ever.
hailstateon 10 Jul 2008 at 7:51 am 46The Mississippi State University football team has a young DB named, wait for it…Mike Hunt.
Kiton 10 Jul 2008 at 7:57 am 47It could be worse, one celeb could have the last name Dover and name his son Ben.
Kiton 10 Jul 2008 at 7:59 am 48John Locke,
Who is “Mr. Bullsh!t himself.”
mjkon 10 Jul 2008 at 8:14 am 49My first name is related to a Hitchcock movie (Hint: Sean Connery and Tippi Hedren movie). No one EVER spells it right, they constantly mispronounce it, and generally it’s a massive pain in the arse.
However, I do thank my lucky stars that my parents didn’t name me CAMERA or MOXIE CRIMEFIGHTER. Might as well just book 30 years of therapy right now. Or rehab. Or both.
Zsuzsaon 10 Jul 2008 at 8:22 am 50Before we get carried away mocking the choice of names other people give their kids, I do think we need to make some allowances for different cultures. “Zoltan,” for example, is a very common Hungarian name. If the kid’s ancestors come from that part of the world, he could easily be named after a grandfather or great-uncle or some other relative his parents wanted to honor. Just because a name sounds strange to American ears doesn’t necessarily mean that the parents were insane.
That being said, I have no patience with parents who treat their kids as though they were pets or vanity license plates. I’d love to think Jimmy C’s theory is right, but given how many perfectly ordinary, non-celebrity people I know who have given their children hideous names, I kind of doubt it.
I think there ought to be a rule that before you give your kid a name, you need to picture your kid at age 22 applying for a job. Picture him at 26 introducing himself to future in-laws. Picture him naming his own kids. Don’t give him a name he would be embarrassed about in any of these circumstances.
amzarakon 10 Jul 2008 at 8:47 am 51Another football name: Dick Butkus. Now pronounce each syllable slowly. No wonder the guy was so mean. He was probably made fun of mercilessly as a child and decided the best way to counteract that was to hit people and hit them hard. Could this be the reason he became one of the greatest linebackers of all-time?
JohnLockeon 10 Jul 2008 at 8:47 am 52“Who is “Mr. Bullsh!t himself.””
Penn Jillette, the Penn half of the magician duo Penn and Teller and co-host of “Penn and Teller: Bullshit!,” a show on Showtime. The show takes common beliefs, myths, and social mores and analyzes them with a skeptical perspective. Of course, with their apparent political affiliation being somewhere around libertarian or objectivist (Penn describes himself as an “anarcho-capitalist”), the show is hit and miss with just about everyone, since they go after everything from PETA and evironmentalism to the Bible and traditional values. Because of the show’s ostensibly grounded and logical nature, it seems awfully weird for Penn to name his kid something so unconventional and laughable.
paul a'bargeon 10 Jul 2008 at 9:15 am 53Oh, come on folks! What’s with the outrage du jour?
Black people have been doing this to their children (saddling them with names no one has ever heard of) for years and none of you have got your knickers in a wad.
The real problem is going to be the job interview. It’s not even going to happen. When the hiring manager sees the resume and reads the first name, that resume is going straight into the trash.
“I don’t understand! I sent out 150 copies of my resume and got no response. What is wrong with me?” said Shanika … or Moxie Crimefighter … or Reignbeau.
What a cruel thing to do to your children.
Stephanieon 10 Jul 2008 at 10:05 am 54The Mississippi State University football team has a young DB named, wait for it…Mike Hunt.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
If that kid ever gets to the NFL Al Michaels will quit…
I can’t say that name…not like….shit…..
Bobon 10 Jul 2008 at 10:17 am 55“Apple” passes the most basic name test: If you say it enough times in succession, it loses all inherent meaning.
Audietooon 10 Jul 2008 at 10:32 am 56Have Mercy, I didn’g get that last name till I said aloud!!!
And untill this very moment I have respected Emma Thompson
as an actor, writer and person. But GAIA, It isn’t just a name for mother earth, but a salute to paganism, feminism and all around new age intellectual garbage.
JimmyCon 10 Jul 2008 at 11:01 am 57I knew a guy in college whose actual name was Flash Gordon. And yes, he hated his parents’ guts for it.
E Porvaznikon 10 Jul 2008 at 11:18 am 58Occasionally wished my family was in the tractor business so I could name a son Justin…wait for it…Case.
dr nicon 10 Jul 2008 at 11:28 am 59I’m pregnant with my first and we have been struggling with what to name it. I took my husband’s name when we got married. It’s very ethnic (Danish), pronounced nothing like it is spelled and features a letter not found in the English alphabet. Our struggle has been to give our child a name that won’t sound totally ridiculous with our last name and isn’t so common that they’ll be one of five kids in their class with the name. Family names are pretty much out (all his family has ethnic Danish names and most of mine have ethnic Italian names).
Then I look at celebrity names and realize we’re never going to be as bad as them at naming our kids.
Bozoer Rebbeon 10 Jul 2008 at 12:14 pm 60What’s ironic is that Gaia, Camera, Freedom and Puma will think that my son Moshe (Hebrew for Moses, and a name that’s been in use for about 3500 years) has an unusual name.
My granddaughter just finished kindergarten at a public school. I went to her graduation and one of the kindergarten classes had kids named India, Berlin and Malaysia.
Gina Dalfonzoon 10 Jul 2008 at 1:15 pm 61Mjk, are you referring to “Marnie”? How on earth do people manage to mispronounce that? (I should talk; people are always coming up with ways to mispronounce “Gina.”)
Emma Thompson | A Boy Named “Banjo”on 10 Jul 2008 at 1:25 pm 62[…] Emma Thompson’s daughter, Gaia, which means mother earth, or the eternal feminine power. Or something like that. Arthur Ashe’s daughter, Camera. Could have been worse. Could have been Kodak. Penn Jillette’s daughter, Moxie CrimeFighter. … Source: A Boy Named “Banjo” […]
mjkon 10 Jul 2008 at 2:31 pm 63“Mjk, are you referring to “Marnie”? How on earth do people manage to mispronounce that?”
Gina, you’re right. That’s the one.
I get Marty, Mary, Marta, Barney (yes, the purple dinosaur), Marianne, Marla, Mara, Margie, Barbie (yep, got that one a couple of times), etc, etc, etc. It’s rather pathetic. I have to spell my name for them to get it right.
Kit Oon 10 Jul 2008 at 2:46 pm 64I think that the narcissist theory, and having the money to protect the kids from teasing are both spot on.
Yet what is troubling is that the ignorant take their cues from these “artiste”s—my sister’s neighbor named her daughter Hazel after Julia Roberts’ daughter—-when I think of Hazel, I think of Shirley Booth—but then, I’m older than dirt.
I don’t think Hazel will have the renaissance that Hannah and other strong names have had, though—-pity the poor girl.
Eric, I have cousins with the same last name as you—thankfully, my aunt and uncle matched the first names with the last quite nicely. Now, I have another cousin with a Polish last name, with two daughters with very Italian first names….some work, these don’t.
But I bet there are some who don’t like the names I have my kids, either.
Thanks everyone for an amusing forum—nothing political, just fun. Needed it today.
Stickwick Staperson 10 Jul 2008 at 4:09 pm 65It’s very ethnic (Danish), pronounced nothing like it is spelled and features a letter not found in the English alphabet.
My husband is Finnish, so I have a weirdo last name, as well. It’s even weird by Finnish standards. But husband said Finnish first names are out (which is probably good — most of them are very strange). We’re going with German first names, because they fit the last name well, and are just uncommon enough to be distinctive without being kooky.
Stephanieon 10 Jul 2008 at 4:37 pm 66I named one of my first two Doe New Zealand White Rabbits, Hazel after Hazel in Watership Down. Everytime I think about Hazel I think white rabbit, pink eyes that weighed about 11 pounds and who scratched the living hell out of my arms every time she had a chance. She was mean.
My grandfather from Norway had a strange (in my opine) last name. Yttri. People are always going Wittri to pronounce it. Its not pronounced taht way. It is pronounced Itree. Very ancient family going back to King Harald Fairhaired. We are relation.
And I have a friend friend from Hungary whose father is named Attila….
MadKalnodon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:23 pm 67You’re all probably going to think much less of me for admitting this, but I’ve always thought that if I were ever to become the father of girls, I would name them Leela and Romana after my two favorite characters from Doctor Who.
Mike Kriskeyon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:30 pm 68MadKalnod–
Give me Zoe and Peri any day. Which Romana?
Gina Dalfonzoon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:31 pm 69I confess I think “Hazel” is rather pretty, Shirley Booth notwithstanding. Maybe because my mom has hazel eyes, I’ve always thought it was a nice word.
Now if she had named a boy after Julia Roberts’s son . . . THAT would have been bad. Phinnaeus, wasn’t it?
MadKalnodon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:31 pm 70I also forgot to point out that the article missed another prime example: Kevin “Silent Bob” Smith named his daughter Harley Quinn after the Joker’s sidekick from Batman. I suppose I should judge him unfavorably for that, but in light of my above revelation, and the fact that I’ve never been able to be very harsh on my fellow tubby, bearded, comic book dork from New Jersey made good, I find that I cannot.
MadKalnodon 10 Jul 2008 at 6:44 pm 71@ Mike Kriskey:
Mary Tamm, the first Romana. Lalla Ward was no slouch either, but in the course of introducing my brother to Doctor Who recently, I put in the DVD of “The Ribos Operation” and when Mary first appeared, he said “I would club baby seals to death for her. Seriously, they’d look up at me with their big sad eyes, and I’d tell them ‘Sorry, but you don’t understand, it’s for Romana.’ THWACK!!”
Also, thanks for bringing up Zoe. I have also long thought that if I were ever to become the father of twin girls, I would name them Chloe and Zoe. This is probably enough to earn me a pre-emptive sterilization, but I find that simply being a tubby dork obsessed with Doctor Who and comic books is sufficient contraceptive.
00smoothieon 19 Jul 2008 at 7:31 am 72“Freedom” seems like a pretty American name to me…